The Black Tooth Spritz – A Doom Cocktail

Well, Blacktooth may have the name and Smokin’ D may be the culinary genius, but I have the black teeth and terrible history of black out boozing and minor criminal charges that ensure that I never touch this stuff again – but really, go on, try this at home.

The Black Tooth Spritz

Makes enough to ruin your life for a few days and the hangover will be monumental and maybe your loved ones will stop speaking to you after you ambush them with a guitar string garrote and a bag of under ripe oranges when they come home from working hard all day.


1 lime, sliced thin with a butcher knife

1 lemon thinly sliced with a ginsu knife, whalebone hilt bound in geisha hair

Fresh sprigs of Atropa Belladona, Monkshood and Hemlock (be careful how much of this you use or you’ll end up with some kind of archaic flying oil and the townsfolk with tar and feather you before hurling you into the  river like an unwanted puppy).

4 litres of the cheapest red wine you can find, if it comes from a cask, so much the better.

2 litres of Coke Zero, or if you really don’t want your teeth, use real Coca Cola andd bring on the holes and terror and the squealing children every time you grin.

Some kind of dark liquor – rum makes it really terrible though. I would suggest one 750ml bottle into the mix.


Mix this in a bucket and let it sit overnight in a well, most likely some kind of Barrow Spirits will find the brew and drink a little, but as they are dead and their mouths are already stained, they have little to worry about.

By this point, the shit is nearly unpalatable and your opoid receptors should be warning you to flee the fucking city, let alone take another whiff or YWHW forbid, a swig of this vile concoction.


if you follow these instructions and then drink this, you will die


If you try this at home, you will die.


3 Responses to “The Black Tooth Spritz – A Doom Cocktail”

  1. danny heifetz Says:

    i know foist hand the evils of alcohol, the whispering crocodilians summon me forth from the heart of the voodoo swamp queens hovel, the sharp tang of paint thinner some christian ass clown keeps putting in my vodka & bordo’s chivas….smokin d can shove his cocktail up his righteous asshole …wine & rum does not agree with mr pee pee, the spirit within tweaked to his loins spring forth new mutiny, shell fish, now thats the bomb , fresh oysters and shrimp with avacado & lime…or ricotta baked with chilli & olive oil, but that cocktail is enuff to send heifetz into a turbulant delirious satanik mess, channeling an unexorcised hell beast, i can smell that shit from my keyboard….blackouts, im full of em…stay outta jail, danny

  2. Smokin' D Says:

    For the record, I had nothing to do with this cocktail.
    Nor would I attempt to drink it.
    WH is on the other hand, is a crazy sonofabitch.

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