Turns Out You’re Not A Cowgirl After All
Archive for the Smokin D Category
Late night after party in Newcastle with Brothers Grim & The Blue Murders and Kira Puru & The Bruise. Let’s just say that I bit off more than I could chew, lost my favourite kicks, Slim’s iPod and a few hours of my memory. How BZ and me made it back to Sydney in one piece, I’ll never really know. I don’t think that I want to.
Selling out The Vanguard. Okay, there was more to it than that. I think we finished the rider well before Kira and her boys even went on, but luckily, that is a venue that knows how to look after its acts. Needless to say, everyone was well liquored to hell and by the time we hit stage, the people of Sydney obviously in the same sinking ship. You can check photos of that gig over at FasterLouder.
Katoomba hooked us back up with our sister/brother band, The Snowdroppers. Far and away our best time in the mountains so far, it was just a bummer that we had to leave early to swing back to Sydney for an early morning film clip shoot. May the Morning Star preserve all who took part in that evil, evil day.
Catching a plane to Melbourne instead of driving and having a surf rock loving cab driver get us to the airport. What a guy!
Opening for BG&TBM in their home town. Great sound, great sound guy and watching James Grim shake his centaur sized ding-a-ling. Unfortunately, this was also the night that my nocturnal/slumbering wanderings and ramblings were at their most disturbing.
After picking up my little sister, KL Conroy from Melbourne airport, we drove to Ballarat. Gangsta rap and the road only gets better when she begins with her whorish ramblings. What a time! The Yard Apes packed out the venue and we got to really give it to the ladies and gents before we grabbed Blue Murder, Devlin and under the instruction of James, undertook a post midnight, booze and truckstop food fuelled race back to Melbourne for a ‘shirts off, pants off’ rave. Ironic dancing has never felt that good.
Wow. What a fucking final gig! After James dropped some Public Enemy styles the night before, we hit back with our ODB cover. That was good to get off our chests. Not only that, but the bar was packed well before doors opened and the place was ready to party. Nothing changed all night and it was great to catch some dudes and chicks that we haven’t seen in years. I even saw my old ‘zine editor. We’re going to resurrect something that should have stayed dead. Stay tuned.
Tour AwardsLeast Sleep: Ol’ Blacktooth Marks
Worst Jokes: KL Conroy
Keeping Shit Together: BZ
Most Money Spent on Food: Smokin’ D
Most Money Spent on Booze: BZ
Most Booze Consumed: BZ/WH
Most Rhymes Dropped: WH
Night Rider Driving : Slim Pickin’s
Best Hosts: Ham, Damien and Charles Barkley
Craziest Legs: Slim Pickin’s
Most Showers: Ol’ Blacktooth Marks
Biggest Power Playa: BZ
Gay Paris were drinking, but not passing out;
The booze was all lined up on the mantle with care,
Cuz eight bitches would soon be ‘ right up in here’;
Slim Pickins was dancing, both poppin’ and locks,
Cuz Slim is a B-Boy that loves to up-rock;
And with his bandanna on under his hat,
WH busted, the illest of raps,
Then from the kitchen, there came a great clatter
Smokin’ D emerged with a gourmet style platter.
“Quiet down, you bastards,” cried out Blacktooth,
“I’m watching Christmas Vacation, National Lampoons!”
The hos all arrived and exposed their large breasts
Belly shots of whiskey are what happened next,
And every one laughed and they drank and they ate,
Even Miss BZ, who showed up so late,
Driving a Benz right through the window,
With K. ‘Whoremouth’ Conroy and some powder like snow ,
Oh what a Christmas, Oh Lord, what a ruckus!,
They chanted ‘Wu-Tang ain’t nothin’ to fuck wit!’ ;
“Now, Hot Dick! Now, Slim! now, Blacktooth, WH!
When you throw a party we know they’ll be great!”
To the top it all of, they paid for the whores!
And drove away quickly, distracting the cops,
Who had recently received, an anonymous tip,
Most likely the Snowdroppers, who felt they’d been dissed,
Gay Paris though, had sent invitations,
Intercepted by Tenderloins, who had trepidations,
Of partaking in pleasures that veer to excess
They kept them at home, tucked up in their beds.
GP raised their glasses and drank it all down,
When down their Chimney came a wonderful sound.
Dressed like the 20s had never quite finished,
The ‘droppers arrived crying ‘Yo! Now we up in this!’;
A bundle of booze was strapped to their backs,
And Cougar and London were so high on crack!
Johnny and Pauly, were tell tale gin drinkers;
Their noses so pink, like prostitute nipples!
The guys partied down with their hookers and blow,
With beer, wine and spirits, did I mention the hos?
They all got crunk and down like South West,
Slim battled Cougar and came out the best;
Johnny and WH talked of some books,
But in between notes, they did bourbon shots.
Blacktooth and Pauly were so busy riffing,
They never realised the fun they were missing!
London and Hot Dick were mixing bad drinks,
And drinking them down before they could think;
Then God appeared and spoke of his works,
But WH said, “bitch, I’ll battle you, jerk”;
And running his hand up the face of a ho,
He smote God with fury and the dopest of flows;
YHWH, Adonai, Jehovah and Christ,
You created the world? Nah, but what what about science?
The Devil appeared and tried to make nice,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”
Hospitality is something that is quite important to me.
I know I generally have quite high expectations and pay, sometimes, too much attention to detail – but it’s only because I care. I think that if someone is coming into your establishment and paying for a service they should receive it to the best of the providers ability. Every single person, every single time. No excuses. Leave your personal problems at the door and do your job and fucking do it properly.
It disappoints and frustrates me that so many people in the hospitality industry can’t seem to uphold standards. They just stop caring. They walk in the door and do the minimum just to get paid at the end of the week and leave as quickly as they can. It doesn’t bother them if there are an abundance of short cuts being made because at the end of the day, the bare minimum is done and they can go home.
It makes people like me wonder if it’s worth caring.
Luckily, I’m privileged enough to know people with the same expectations as me – and that’s enough to keep me sane.
That said, sometimes you accidentally stumble across people with the same values as you, when you aren’t expecting it and that brings me to Saturday just gone. We played (and by played I mean totally ruled) at Black Cherry’s Christmas party at The Factory Theatre in Marrickville. After we loaded in and set our stuff up and got our sound check out of the way, my girlfriend and I ducked off to grab some dinner.
We walked up the street to the Vic on the Park because it was the closest place to eat and we could just walk there. We walked in and took a look at the menu and both decided the Pork Chop sounded good. That with vegies.
We went over to the counter and the chef came over to take our order as it was only a tiny kitchen and the waitress was out clearing tables. He informed us that he was out of the Pork. Damn. Oh well, the next item down was a garlic and rosemary marinated Lamb Chop. This sounded equally as good. Oh, nope… they had ran out of those too. It had been a busy weekend he said, after he questioned “what kind of chef am I? oh my god”.
He sat down. He meant business. He went through what he had run out of, and offered us a couple of things he could do which weren’t on the menu. We both settled on chicken schnitzel with vegies and dianne sauce. I added some mashed potato to mine after he assured me it wasn’t “the powdered stuff, I make it properly”.
After getting free softdrink from the bar, we proceeded out to the beer garden and 10 minutes later our meal was ready. The schnitzel was awesome. It was obvious that it was prepared fresh. It wasn’t thin and overcooked like most places do and it actually tasted like chicken should, not like cardboard.
The vegies were great. It was simply broccoli, carrot and cauliflower sauteed in butter and garlic. Seasoned beautifully. He accidentally left the dianne sauce off and after I mentioned it to the waitress she ran back in and returned a couple of minutes later with a jug of it. It was a little heavy on the worcestershire, but I didn’t mind that because again, you could tell he made it fresh. And I happen to like worcestershire sauce. Also, as he assured me his mashed potato was actually made with potatoes.
As we finished the chef came out to check how it was and cleared our plates for us. We had a quick chat with him before we left and he apologised for the third time about our first two orders being unavailable. He was a really nice guy who obviously took pride in what he did. Everything he cooked was freshly prepared and it was so refreshing. You could tell.
It seemed to me as though he had only recently started leasing that kitchen (I might be wrong and I hope I am). Either way it was apparent that he had not lost the love for food and what he was producing. Even though he was only cooking simple pub food, it was inspiring. He cared. I hope he holds on to that love and passion and doesn’t fall into the rut that so many (fucking lazy) people seem to and start taking short cuts that inevitably lead to shitty, uninspired and disappointing meals and restaurant experiences. The world (and the hospitality industry) needs more people like him.
There you go, I’m not always a snobby prick.
OK, for those who don’t know (and you damn well should by now), we have a month long ‘residency’ of sorts at the Supper Club on Oxford Street in Sydney – oh, you droll bastards</em>, Gay Paris, you are thinking, what a way to out yourselves! But what we’d really like is for you to climb into the closet with us – it’s full of a hell load of wonderful shit!
Wonder shit? Sounds like something out of a China Miéville novel – but enough of that (for now).
Here is the complete list of what will happen each and every night – OK, I don’t really know who the Djs are yet and if that is important, check back in a bit, or stay home and watch old Kung-fu flicks in your underpants, drinking orange drink and rotting your teeth. What a life!
FRIDAY OCTOBER 8 – PARISIAN SPRING BREAK!
Gay Paris It’s us, so trust it.
The Beards That’s right, if their drummer’s arse is healed and they aren’t scared off by our hirsute dominance, we’re teaming up with these gentle giants of the Beard-folk scene.
Brothers Grim Considering that they’re so damn attractive, I don’t see why they’d have the blues, they probably get more ass than rap guys.
Contraban Hot to def , so young, so fresh, get your glam with a bang!
Mitzi McKenzie-King I call her Mitzapooh, she calls me Lukey-doo.
Mikey Hamer Dude did our film clip and photos for the record, so you know he is money – plus he is about 6’ 9” and has flaming red locks that would make a Scottish hero of folkloric legend weep into his whiskey and haggis in pure envy.
Rhonda Quinane Trust me, I live with her and the house is so full of art that I’m becoming more cultured by the nanosecond, or it could be this bottle of Merlot (yes, Merlot, you fucking wine snobs).
Paul Tooth This guy? Designed our new merch and has the smoothest game this side of Snoop Dogg circa 1993.
DJ SETS BY MEDIA PERSONALITY AND FAMOUS STAND UP COMIC, ANDREW P STREET
FRIDAY OCTOBER 15 – SALOON DOOM BAR BRAWL!
Gay Paris No, I don’t get sick of typing that
Jack Nasty Face Just when you thought no one had any style, BOOM!
La Mancha Negra Oh my! God made dirt so dirt don’t hurt…
Dirty Lindy Sometimes, you just gotta smooth it out, these cats know what we talking about.
Felter Skelter (Anna Christoffersen & Emily Parsons-Lord)
Danielle Sullivan & Carl Gobey
DJ SETS BY BLACK CHERRY DJS
FRIDAY OCTOBER 22 – LADIES NIGHT!
Gay Paris while most get better with age, we started out fantastic and have now transcended mortal comprehension. By this point, it will be religious.
The Rumjacks think they can drink us under the table but the real point of interest is going to be what happens once we’re all under that rotten, beer soaked trestle.
Betty Airs This is a bonafide super group consisting of dudes who have been in Run! Hide! And Gerling.
Mother &Son Two dudes doing the job of a whole band – yeah, it normally only works in hip hop, but this is dem real razor blade blues.
DJ SETS BY THE GOOD FOLK WHO BRING YOU TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT
FRIDAY OCTOBER 29 – HALLOWEEN THRILLER!
Gay Paris time for the wolf dance, people, cuz we’re bringing him with us to this show
Hell City Glamours yeah, they’re way too big to be in a supporting role but then they lost the dance off. Suck it. Oh and they’re playing new songs.
The Smokestack Orchestra down to the nitty gritty, these guys have supported Clutch and nearly got us drowned, so you know it all good.
The Watt Riot these sweet bastards don’t play nearly enough shows, so we’ve got it in blood that they will show up.
Alice Amsel – She’s probably a fox queen too.
Paul Tooth – It’s that guy again!
So we got our sweetheart Weezy to whip up some monstrous concoctions
Deadrie’s Dogpark Caprihina has cachaca, blueberry liq, limes and berry pure
The Holy Sucker whiskey, Benedictine, lemon and lime juice with a touch of sugar syrup
Big Bleeder vodka, pomegranate liqure, cranberry juice and fresh lime
Green Devil Green Tea, Madori topped with either soda or pineapple juice
Death To Spring Break Cointreau with Red Bull
A Goddamn Body Bag Scotch Whisky & Amaretto
Pre-cum Tia, Ameretto and amarula
Wormtongue Apple Liq, Absinthe, Apple Juice and sugar rim
if you haven’t checked out the clip and new songs, head over to our myspace and if you haven’t got tickets yet, head over to http://www.moshtix.com.au
There was an article in the paper this week. Their rent has been increased. They can no longer afford to pay themselves a wage. Their business has declined so much since they opened in January that they are now facing the very real possibility of closing.
I think there is a lesson to be learned here, everybody:
Smokin’ D knows best. Always.
They obviously didn’t take any of my advice on board. Maybe I should take them up on my offer of helping them lock their doors?